Ask the Profitess

Q. Dear Profitess,
I went to church with my best friend, and it really creeped me out. The pastor was laying hands on people and they fell down - but they fell backwards. Every time I read about someone in the Bible falling down in the presence of God, they fell forwards, like on their faces. This really confused me. My friend kept telling me to go up for prayer, but I didn't feel comfortable. I don't know if I'll want to go to that church again. What do I do?

Sincerely,
Newb with Questions

A. Dear Newb,
REPENT! That was not just your friend telling you to go up for prayer - that was the $pirit prompting her to give you godly guidance. That feeling of uncomfortableness you were feeling was actually a demonic spirit of Uncomfortableness. That demonic spirit didn't want you to feel the power of the $pirit, and did everything it could to keep you away.

The demonic spirit of uncomfortableness is also known as the spirit of Questions and Intellectualism. You had an opportunity to resist the devil, and he would flee, but instead you held on to it, because it feeds your prideful flesh.

People who operate under the demonic spirit of Questions and Intellectualism are actually bound by the strongman called Pride, because they take pride in feeling "smarter" than us anointed folks. But see, the $pirit will take the foolishness of this world to confound the wise.

While you were standing up there nit-picking over which direction people fall down in, the faithful were getting their blessings and breakthroughs, while you remained bound by a demonic spirit of Confusion. See, Confusion is the fruit of Questions and Intellectualism, which are the fruit of Pride.

But Newb, I have good news for you today. Somebody say "Good news."
You don't have to stay confused!
You don't have to stay stupefied!

Turn to your neighbor and say
"Neighbor!"
"Don't Stay"
"Stupefied!"

Now clap your hands and give up some praise. Now give a shout.
Now stand up and run around the outside of the building, shouting "GLORRAAAY!" and then come back.

See? See how you're questioning? That's that evil spirit.

The only reason you won't do what thus saith the Profitess is Pride.

That's alright, though. Just send in your tithe, firstfruits, faith seed offering, and pledge, and I will be your personal Profitess so that you can overcome the evil spirit of Pride and prosper during a drought.
You